Some early worries.
Everyone who is expecting has mixed emotions whether it was a planned pregnancy, unplanned, wanted or not. People go through these ups and downs of happy, excited, scared, anxious, and many more. Sometimes all at ones too and you just don't know how to feel and that is absolutely OK.
The roller-coaster feelings are all normal. Our hormones play a huge role when pregnant, additionally the other parent who is not carrying can have all these feeling too. It is a hug life change having a baby and there is bound to be lots of different feelings along the way. When creating life and also once their born, as you enter parenthood.
But that said I think ones you have experience a baby loss, those anxiety and worried feelings become heightened. If you have never experienced a loss, it is your first pregnancy and don't know anyone else who had a loss eirther of course your be worried because you may be unaware just how hard it can be to loss a baby. There is nothing wrong with this at all!
I just want to spread awareness of baby loses and how hard it is to then be expecting again after a miscarriage or still born of even losing a younger child. It is scary and daunting. Your constantly questioning if every pains, every symptoms, discharge, well anything really is normal. Every twing or pain your worry if the baby is okay. That horrible feeling of, what If it is going to happen again.
We struggled with this alot after lossing nico, when we was pregnant with Ariyah. Ben was high risk anyways and we had lots of complications with her. Which if you read my other blogs you be aware of. If you haven't head over to my other blogs il place link below and take a read back through our journey.
Even though this time round I am carrying our baby, I find myself doing it again. I have not physically experienced a loss so I do not know who my body will respond to being pregnant. Whilst emotionally we have both grieved and losted a baby, so I can't help but mentally worry all the time. I did not expect it to be as bad because we have had Ariyah, we know the reasons we lost nico which is rare and unlikely to happen to me. That said we also know what to look out for and check during the pregnancy so I felt more positive at at the same time. However now I'm nearing 12 weeks I am a mess mentally, constantly worried.
From the moment we conceived I felt pregnant, I knew it had taken. I was dizzy, bloated, nauseous, having cramps, with this motion feeling inside. These symptoms have been not stopped from 1 day after ovulation until about a week ago. So at 8 weeks pregnant my sickness started to ease, I was not bloated and was getting real bad back pains and pains in my left side. This alone worried me. I had not actually been sick but I always felt it, like dry heaved but nothing came up. Further more that just stopped, I also felt my little bump that appeared had gone too, I was so worried.
I tried not to show Ben as I did not want to worry him anymore then I know he is. Because he was staying strong for me as well as looking after me and Ariyah. He has been amazing making sure I eat, drink and rest. Looking after Ariyah majority of the time because I have been so tired and sick.
Then I got more things to make me worry. I was getting yellow discharge alot even from 5/6 weeks, with bits of brown. I had been checked for infections and given antibiotics as a procaustion which did help. But on Wednesday 2 days after symptoms of being pregnant had disappeared I got very strong cramps and pink when I wiped. This made me panic. I was in so much pain and just had this deep feeling everything was wrong. I ended up going to a&e to be referred to the early pregnancy unit for a scan the next day.
It was a horrible night, I could not sleep, I was in so much pain. I had no hope at all. My thought were so negative and I honestly thought we would loss the baby. Ben however was my rock, he reassured me, stayed positive and really got me thought that night. He has been amazing.
The next day we went to the hospital for my scan. Due to covid Ben is not allowed in but he waited outside. I was scared especially having to be there alone. The sonographer was lovely and straight away she found the baby and there was a strong regular heartbeat. She talked me though everything while showing me on the screen, You could see the heartbeat flickering away and also very small movements where baby is beginning to move. This was so amazing, I was so relieved and happy. She printed us a photo, did the measurement and reassured me everything was okay.
Literally after knowing baby was fine, all my symptoms came back. The strong pains stopped, my dizziness, sickness and bloated little bump came back. It was so weird as if baby just knew like a sign showing us they were fine.
Now I am nine weeks, I have my first proper midwive appointment next week and the scan in a few weeks so I will keep updating you about our little pot of gold.
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