24 weeks

 Yay made it to viability. 

This is the first real milestone to get to in a pregnancy, more so when you have had a pre term birth and lost a baby. 

24 weeks is when hospitals can intervene as baby has a high chance of survival. Yes they will be in NICU and may have complications but are likely to be fine with the right specialised care. It's also when legally the baby is seen as a baby in terms of registering them. It's horrible but Nico by law doesn't have a registered birth certificate as the law does not accept baby born under 24 weeks as a baby, which is disgusting. We were lucky to even have a funeral as our hospital were amazing and a charity did us a certificate of life for him. 

Some hospitals with high level Nicu's like the hospital we are under will help stabilise a baby from bout 22 weeks now however it depends on the circumstance, the hospital and the equipment they have. As there been case we're baby have been born this early or even earlier and survived. We are lucky to be by a hospital that has a level 3 highest NICU. Just incase. 

However as I have said this pregnancy has gone really well and fast as I am now 25 weeks. Baby is very health, growing and moving alot. Thus we have nothing to worry about, we still do. Just cames with having a loss, no matter how reasurred and well the pregnancy goes we will always worry. But honestly all is really well. 

Im doing better in myself to, I have abit more energy and starting to want to get things ready and sorted. We washed most of the small baby stuff, irons few bits and packed babies hospital bag. We sorting and cleaning the house now to prepare for baby as we won't have time with two now to clean and sort bits. 

We have also been busy moving rooms around, so ariyah has the bigger room for her toys. Means she gets her own space to when baby is here. Plus we are then in the middle of both their bedrooms for when baby does go in their own room. But still having enough room for now in our for them in the Moses bed. 

A few new symptoms I am getting is intergestion, I am struggling a lot with drink water at the moment and am alway hungry. Consequently I am then eating larger portions which gives me intergestion and nauseous sometimes. Additionally I am getting a pain in the centre of my chest just below my ribs, which adds to the intergestion. I think this is from stretching and bump growing because it feels like the insides are being pulled apart from my sternum. I am so little that their not much of me, therefore the growing and stretch is so uncomfortable. 

Another one is general pains, aches especially in my back, hips and lower bump. It is getting harder to walk long distances now as well as push Ariyah's pram. I am having physio in a few weeks so hopefully that helps. At night it's hard to now get comfortable leading to me not sleeping well. This is because I am tossing and turning to get comfortable, with aches in my hips. I have been getting cramps and stiffness in my legs from my stiaticia. However I can no longer nap in the day anymore. 

Hot baths have provided some relief and helps with the pains, also it lovely be be able to relax and for us on baby. The baby seems to love the hot bath too as everytime I have one, they are kicking and moving around. So it's nice to have that time to relax and bond. I talk to the baby and they respond now by kicking it is so lovely. When I paly music they move too. Although they move alot we have another very active baby on our hands. Who also likes to keep me up at night to which does not help my sleep. 

Ariyah has started to come over and feel baby move which is such a wonderful heart melting moment. She come over randomly lift my top up, kiss and touch my belly. She even said baby a few times, which shows she does understand. It's amazing to see her bond too, just knowing she be an amazing big sister. This little baby very luckly to have her as are we to have them both. 

Midwive came again to check how I have been. She checked my blood pressure, urine and listen to babies heart beat. Which all was well. She be back at 28 weeks to take my blood and measure my bump. Then I have a phone call in two weeks to discuss my c section with the consultant and when this may be. Therefore I will do another post in two weeks about that. Fingers cross we get granted one, and for when we would like it to be. 

For now I think that's mostly all that's been happening and to update everyone on. So look out for more posts, if anyone has anything they would like me to cover then comment and I will do my best to respond. As I did cover alot of different things in my post with Ariyah so I do not want to repeat things. So also go check out my other blogs if you have given them a read. 

Repeat 20 week scan

Scanned again.

I had to have a repeat 20 week scan because baby was not in a good position the first time, well in every scan I have had the baby not been in best position or they have moved so much, the sonographier could not accurately measure or get the photos they needed. 

I am now 23 weeks and have had the scan. Ben was allowed in with me again which was amazing. It was so lovely to share seeing our baby again. The sonographier was training, therefore had a more senior person showing him. This meant that we got lots of time to enjoy watching our baby moving around. Especially watching his heart beat as that the area they had to still see. The student sonographier was lovely. However our baby was giving him a hard time as they did not sit still long enough. He was struggling to find what he needed to see and the other one was teaching and showing him. But it was good for him to learn on a wiggly baby they said. 

But overall our pot of gold is growing fine, is all healthy with a strong heart. They have big feet and long legs but a little head just like Ariyah. 

We spoke about Ariyah in our scan and how Ben carried and they were so understanding, did not even reacted and used correct male pronouns and dad's the whole time again this felt so good, as it settled our anxiety. We were able to relax and enjoy seeing our baby on the screen. 

The pregnancy in general is going well, I am getting lots of big movements and kicks now where you can actually see my belly move. The baby is on the move pretty constantly now which still takes me by suprise being jabbed from the inside. I am feeling really good to. 

Sickness has gone with few random feeling of nauseous mainly if I eat something sweet. Getting bits of dizziness here and there but drinking lots helps. Now I am getting into the end of my second trimester and getting quiet a bump I am getting back and hip pain. It is becoming hard to sit up and walk for long amounts of time too. My sciatica plays up at night and does keep me awake. I have not been sleeping well, tossing and turning to get comfortable then when I do the baby kicks me. So I cannot win haha. 

We have told everyone close and now official announced it on our social medias. So will make these blog post public now. Therefore hopefully update more often.  Here are some of our announcement photos. 

20 weeks scan.

 20 weeks already! 

I cannot believe how fast this pregnancy is going. I am actually now almost 22 weeks. I habe had my 20 week scan and an appointment with the midwive. 

I was put under a new team, where you get allocated one midwive, whom comes to your home for appointment. She is the primary career during pregnancy but there a whole team that I may also see if she is not available incase of emergency. I feel this is so much better as firstly we do not have to keep going up the hospital or into clinics with covid around. We can be comfortable at home. I can get to know and build a relationship with just one main midwive instead of seeing different people and having to explain our gender and circumstance to everyone. It also means I then do not have to keep entering predominantly women spaces, being uncomfortable and dysphoric being a pregnancy man. It also means Ben can be there to as they come to the house and they can see Ariyah and our family's set up. 

Anyways so I had my 20 weeks scan which was a bit annoying due to the fact being covid they were short staffed so the only appointment available was in a different hospital, which is a train away. It was also at 6:30pm which is ariyah bedtime routine. Ben was now allowed to attend this scan but children still were not allowed into clinics.

Thankfully we were able to arrange to stay at a friend's. We all got covid test before to be safe, then went to stay for a few days to make the most of seeing them. Because we were not able to before with lockdown. This friend is very vunerable too. But now things are easing we were able to do this now due to needing the childcare. They were amazing and watched Ariyah, gave her dinner,bath and put her to bed while we were gone. 

The scan was really amazing to see our baby and have Ben there. It makes so much difference. The actually sonography got a bit confused as they could not find my previous scan (12weeks) or notes on the system. So had to get it out my folder to manually put in measurements and due date. Which again they have put to 4th, when midwives has told us the 2nd. I was confused, as was he. I did not know really what he meant by what he was saying about my due date being wrong and how I did not have any notes, or previous scan. But he eventually started the scan anyhow. 

Baby was in a very difficult position, as they have been the whole way through. The baby was breech, with the feet right down low which made it hard for the sonographier to get a clear image or measurements. They were able to check the main things and everything looked fine. Nevertheless they had to book me a rescan to complete it. This is booked for 23 weeks in a week's time. So will update on this too. 

In the scan it was nice to see baby moving at the same time as feeling the movements too. As then I could be like that was the head or arm ect.. we also got confirmation of the sex of the baby which we are still not disclosing yet. Despite baby being in a hard position we got some nice clear views of their face, and nice printed scan photo of the eye. It is crazy to see how detail the scans are and even how much more advanced they are from when we had Ariyah. To see every little bone, their fingers and toes. It is amazing to see this tiny human growing inside you. What a magical scientific thing that is possible. 

The week after was when we first met my actual midwive on the new team. I had spoken to her over the phone but nervous to met her in person. As being trans I thought I would have to explain everything. Nonetheless to our surprise she was amazing, did not question anything. Straight away just knew and referred to me and Ben as dad's. We spoke about Ben's pregnancies with Nico and Ariyah and she was just so understanding. Like it was just everyday. This is what we want, she did not highlight the fact we were dad's, or men who carried our babies. It was just accepted, we were not made to feel different at all. We could not be happier with the midwive we got. 

I will keep updating on appointment, scans and generally how the pregnancy is going. But right now everything is really good. I am feeling great and we cannot wait to met our baby. Ariyah starting to get that there is something going to change, as we speak to her about the baby. Who know what these children can take in. We starting to do the finishing touches to the babies bedroom, as well as generally sort the rest of the house. We will then start to wash the babies clothes and bits to get an idea of anything else we still need. As well as start packing hospital bags. 

(Written at 21 weeks) 

16 weeks private scan

 Private scan and sex reveal. 

We decided that we was going to book a private scan at 16 weeks, this is our scary week in pregnancy and a milestone for us. Yes while I am carrying this time and there are so far no complications. Regardless it was at 16 weeks we lost our first born, then again nearly lossing Ariyah also at 16 weeks. Ben had his stitch placed as an emergency due to his cervix shortening, thus it had actually opened by the time he was in theatre. Luckly the stitch was able to quickly be put in to save our baby as well as Ben being on bed rest to keep her in. 

This is why we needed that reasurrance, also another reason was that due to covid the rules currently are that I must attend scans and appointment on my own. Partners or children were not permitted until the 20 week scan.  Hence he had not got to see baby yet. Which was horrible and nerve racking for him. 

We were lucky to have a Doppler and be able to heart babies heartbeat and feel baby moving very early on. Whilst it is still not the same for him to actually see baby and their heartbeat on the screen. It alway made it more real and special for both of us.  

The scan was amazing we got to see baby very clearly, as our pot of gold  was sitting in a perfect position to be able to see all the features, their organs and watch them move was just magical. Us being together and see what miracle we had created. Ben teared up too. The baby was healthy and growing well. No worries at all.  We got a sneaky peak of baby in 4D, where we both think that baby look like Nico. He was born at this gestation so was crazy to see the resemblance. 

At the appointment we could also find out babies sex.. (not gender please refer to previous blog links below) 

https://transdadtoourrainbow.blogspot.com/2020/08/sex-vs-gender.html?m=1&zx=513c38b1099326d6

We were not originally going to find out but I hate surprises. We felt it also meant Ben could bond more and we could plan together for a name and bedroom. Our friends also wanted to do a little surprise reveal for us, only small with close friends and some ballons in the garden. They organised it and it was a lovely celebration that we were able to involve Ariyah in too. 

We got her to decorate a box which our friend put silver or gold ballons in, our twist on pink or blue. Because although we did do a reveal, these are normally very stereotypically gendered. Something we strongly disagree with gendering a baby because they cannot yet express who they are. Therefore it announced it as their biological sex of female or male. We used gold for girl and silver for boy. Our friends got us cakes made to and all gathered in the garden to celebrate. This was was great as well with covid being able to safety see everyone in the garden. 

Ariyah opened the box and revealed the coloured ballons. Unfortunately for you all we are not reveal it publicly yet. Only a close circle of people know and we will reveal there sex to family and everyone at our baby shower.

I will be making a post about gendering and no conforming parenting. Eirther way we were happy that baby is heathy. We had a lovely day celebrating the baby and getting this far in the pregnancy. 

(Written at 17weeks)

First fetal movements

 Feeling baby move.

Baby move from around 8 weeks in the womb, which can be seen on an scan. However fetal movements are not felt by the person carrying untill the second trimester and then even later normally by others on the outside. 

The average for people feel baby move is around 16-24 weeks into pregnancy, however if it your first pregnancy it can be well after 20 weeks. But also some people mainly second + pregnancy can feel baby much early around 13-16 weeks. Then other should be able to feel baby from as early as 20 weeks or later depending on when they start growing bigger and other factors I will mention below. 

Many things can effect fetal movements being felt early or later on in the pregnancy. Some of which are where the placenta is placed weather it is at the front (anterior) or back (exterior). It can be due to different weighs, or how you carry in general. If your busy you can also be less likely to feel baby then when your resting and relaxed, focusing on feeling them. Dehydration can also cause less fetal Movements apparently. 

It is important that as you start feeling movement and are in the third trimester that you start to notice your babies own individual pattern and if they change or you feel no movements it is always adviced to seek help. There are a few things you can do first but always go get checked!

Things you can do first: 

• Sit or lie down
• Drink cold water
• Have a snack
• Do some star jumps or walk around
• Touch or general poke/ wiggle your bump
• Some people say shine a light on belly but I'm not sure of this one. 
• Play music or talk to baby. 

If none of these work and you do not feel baby or there is less movement within an hour or 2 then call and go in straight away. Do not leave it until later or the next day.

Most of the time changes in movements or lack of movement is nothing to worry about. As the baby is growing they may change their regular pattern or movements could feel different. Nevertheless it is better to be safe to get seen in case it is for another reasons, that does require medical assistance. 

With Ariyah we were in all the time, Ben had an anterior placenta, which meant it was at the front of baby, cushioning the movements. He did not feel her untill past 24 weeks and I could not feel from the outside untill much later and hardly at all. So we were always in and out of hospital getting checked. Despite that she always shown movement on the monitors or scans, that she was in fact wiggling away happy and healthy. 

My pregnancy movements 

Now in this pregnancy, I know my placenta is high and at the back. I am also very small. My bump is already quiet big for the gestation I am. Which means even as my first pregnancy I was likely to feel baby more. But we didn't not expect what happen. 

13 weeks I felt the first movements. I thought it was not, I convinced myself I was too early. As I laid in bed sorting some of Ariyah's photos I felt a wave, like a roll of my skin inside. Thinking it was gas I did not take much notice, then there was a little pop like movement. I laid down and placed my hands on my tummy, there came more. I told Ben but still we thought it was early. Few days later I had more little flutters again thinking it is still to early. I must be making it up. 

About 14 weeks I was resting in bed again feeling little pop movements. I placed my hand on my tummy again and could feel it from the outside this time. Like a little push. I called Ben up quickly and he placed his hand where I felt. To our surprise as I felt the little kick he felt it too, we were amazing, in shock and in love. I cried! It was such a special moment. Since then I have felt a few tiny movements every day since or every other day. One night after eating pasta Bolognese they were jumping all over the place, which Ben could feel too, it was so amazing. 

Few days later I was with my friend who is a midwive in the car, she popped in Asda so I sat in car just talking and feeling baby. There they went again pushing away at my tummy. As my friend come back she quickly felt my tummy and to her surprise to she felt it. She is a midwive too and definitely said it was a fetal movement. Up untill then I thought I was making it up, it was gas or anything. But to have others feel and say it was baby, was such a relief. 

When we do the home Doppler to listen into the baby you can here them moving around and I can now feel them pushing on the Doppler as well as hearing the movement too. There heartbeat is very strong and easy to find now too.   

Home doppler are not adviced to be used at all especially for reasurrance. If you do not feel baby, do not use it. A heartbeat does not always mean baby is fine so you need to get checked. We have one for bonding. More so because Ben can't come to scans. But we have a midwive do it or have been shown exactly what to listen for. So never use it instead of going to get checked out.  

(Written at 15 weeks)

First appointment and scan.

 12 weeks now!!

I had my first midwive booking bloods at 10 weeks, due to covid things are alittle different then normal. The appointment was at the local community centre, I had to go alone. They did my weight, height, took bloods, and have me the booklet notes.

Then I had a phone call the week after where it was a more in-depth appointment. The midwive went through basic information, address, medical history, family setting, work ect... Then spoke about the pregnancy itself. She went over my blood results too. These bloods are for blood type, iron, full blood count and then for sexual transmitted diseases to ensure everything is fine and I'm healthy. Which it all was. 

I then had my next appointment booked in at 15 weeks, which would be in person at my gp surgery. 

12 weeks scan. 

I was about 12 weeks 3 days when I went in for my scan. Again due to covid Ben was not allowed to come in which was horrible. I was so nervous something would be wrong and I needed him there. Also it was not fair he should get to see our baby too. 

I went in alone, so worried, luckly straight away I got to see baby moving around, they were so wiggly. Jumping around, turning. The poor sonographier could not get the measurements because the baby would not stay still and was not laying straight out. He did show me the brain, bladder, stomach, legs, arms, and heart as the baby twist and turned. I then had to go out eat and walk around because he could not measure the neck. This was done along with bloods afterwards to work out a presentage of the likely hood a baby may have down syndrome or Edwards syndrome. Not that this would matter to me and Ben we love this baby no matter what. 

In the end about an hour later when I went back in the sonographier was able to do all the measurements, predicting the due date to be between 2nd - 4th of September 2021. Which is exactly what we expected. It was so amazing to see our baby however just not the same without Ben there. Is just was not as special because I did not get to share that joy and excitement with him. 

We do have a doppler, which means we have been able to listen into baby and found babies heartbeat from 10 weeks, meaning Ben can bond with baby and hear them moving around at least. Especially as it meant we heard the babies heartbeat together for the first time. Otherwise I would have on my own at my appointment when the midwive will listen with a doppler at 15 weeks. As in kent they are not able to let you hear the heartbeat at the 12 week scan where as in London with both kids we got to. 

Luckly we also got a private scan booked at 16 weeks which we can both go to. Then he can come to the NHS 20 week scan which is the main one. Which will be special as we can share the moment together. Meanwhile it still not fair he did not get to see baby until then. He also is not allowed to any appointments eirther which again it is his baby and life as well, why shouldn't he be there. 

I understand covid is a real risk, but I'm sure many people would agree that what difference does it make if I'm already going in. If I have covid I obviously would not be going in, but he would also be at risk of having it or catching it, just as much as me going in and bringing the virus home. Then spreading it to him or Ariyah. Like we live together it just a silly rule,  especially when the appointment are at the gp surgery where he can come in to the waiting room anyways, or goes to the doctors himself. But rant over hopefully things look like that they are getting back to some what normal, with the vaccine and ease of restrictions so our only hope is it stays that way and by the time baby is born it is back to as normal as it can be. 

By summer lockdown should be over as social restrictions are planned to be scraped in june. Meaning family and friends might be able to met baby in person and we will be able to give Ariyah and baby a better time, then Ariyah has had this year. 

So yes my scan and appointment went well, baby seems to be very active and growing well. My sickness has eased alot, I am still very tired but more achy and getting growing stretchy pains now. Craving are savory mostly with few odd times I want sour sweets. Mostly rice or mash with gravey or salt and vinegar crisp sandwich. 

I am now heading into second trimester, with a scan and the next appointments in a few weeks. We are starting to plan what we need, sort the house and the babies room out. Planning the sex reveal (not gender). Then baby shower ect all to look forward to. 

I will continue to post and blog to update and document the pregnancy journey which will then be published as I get past viability stage at 24 weeks. But I will keep post on scans and appointments and more on the sex reveal why it is not a gender reveal. Il do a whole post about it. In the mean time if you have not go read my other post about Ben carrying, Where our journey began, to how we got to this point now. 

(Write at 13 weeks.) 

Pregnancy anxieties

 Some early worries.

Everyone who is expecting has mixed emotions whether it was a planned pregnancy, unplanned, wanted or not. People go through these ups and downs of happy, excited, scared, anxious, and many more. Sometimes all at ones too and you just don't know how to feel and that is absolutely OK. 

The roller-coaster feelings are all normal. Our hormones play a huge role when pregnant, additionally the other parent who is not carrying can have all these feeling too. It is a hug life change having a baby and there is bound to be lots of different feelings along the way. When creating life and also once their born, as you enter parenthood. 

But that said I think ones you have experience a baby loss, those anxiety and worried feelings become heightened. If you have never experienced a loss, it is your first pregnancy and don't know anyone else who had a loss eirther of course your be worried because you may be unaware just how hard it can be to loss a baby. There is nothing wrong with this at all! 

I just want to spread awareness of baby loses and how hard it is to then be expecting again after a miscarriage or still born of even losing a younger child. It is scary and daunting. Your constantly questioning if every pains, every symptoms, discharge, well anything really is normal. Every twing or pain your worry if the baby is okay. That horrible feeling of, what If it is going to happen again. 

We struggled with this alot after lossing nico, when we was pregnant with Ariyah. Ben was high risk anyways and we had lots of complications with her.  Which if you read my other blogs you be aware of. If you haven't head over to my other blogs il place link below and take a read back through our journey. 

Even though this time round I am carrying our baby, I find myself doing it again. I have not physically experienced a loss so I do not know who my body will respond to being pregnant. Whilst  emotionally we have both grieved and losted a baby, so I can't help but mentally worry all the time. I did not expect it to be as bad because we have had Ariyah, we know the reasons we lost nico which is rare and unlikely to happen to me. That said we also know what to look out for and check during the pregnancy so I felt more positive at at the same time. However now I'm nearing 12 weeks I am a mess mentally, constantly worried. 

From the moment we conceived I felt pregnant, I knew it had taken. I was dizzy, bloated, nauseous, having cramps, with this motion feeling inside. These symptoms have been not stopped from 1 day after ovulation until about a week ago. So at 8 weeks pregnant my sickness started to ease, I was not bloated and was getting real bad back pains and pains in my left side. This alone worried me. I had not actually been sick but I always felt it, like dry heaved but nothing came up. Further more that just stopped, I also felt my little bump that appeared had gone too, I was so worried.

I tried not to show Ben as I did not want to worry him anymore then I know he is. Because he was staying strong for me as well as looking after me and Ariyah. He has been amazing making sure I eat, drink and rest. Looking after Ariyah majority of the time because I have been so tired and sick. 

Then I got more things to make me worry. I was getting yellow discharge alot even from 5/6 weeks, with bits of brown. I had been checked for infections and given antibiotics as a procaustion which did help. But on Wednesday 2 days after symptoms of being pregnant had disappeared I got very strong cramps and pink when I wiped. This made me panic. I was in so much pain and just had this deep feeling everything was wrong. I ended up going to a&e to be referred to the early pregnancy unit for a scan the next day. 

It was a horrible night, I could not sleep, I was in so much pain. I had no hope at all. My thought were so negative and I honestly thought we would loss the baby. Ben however was my rock, he reassured me, stayed positive and really got me thought that night. He has been amazing. 

The next day we went to the hospital for my scan. Due to covid Ben is not allowed in but he waited outside. I was scared especially having to be there alone. The sonographer was lovely and straight away she found the baby and there was a strong regular heartbeat. She talked me though everything while showing me on the screen, You could see the heartbeat flickering away and also very small movements where baby is beginning to move. This was so amazing, I was so relieved and happy. She printed us a photo, did the measurement and reassured me everything was okay. 

Literally after knowing baby was fine, all my symptoms came back. The strong pains stopped, my dizziness, sickness and bloated little bump came back. It was so weird as if baby just knew like a sign showing us they were fine. 

Now I am nine weeks, I have my first proper midwive appointment next week and the scan in a few weeks so I will keep updating you about our little pot of gold. 

Previous blog links:

https://transdadtoourrainbow.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2020-08-16T13:20:00-07:00&max-results=50&start=58&by-date=false&m=1

We are pregnant again !

 Baby number 3!

I am so happy to announce Me and Ben are expecting again. I can not believe it took first time. I am now 7 weeks. I wanted to wait until we got a bit further and had a scan to write this post. However it will not be published until later on when we announce the pregnancy after we are 24 weeks. This is due to us knowing how vunerable a pregnancy can be. After losing our son, at 16 weeks and the difficult pregnancy with Ariyah we do not feel right for everyone to know until we get past the safe gestational age, that medically and by law is counted as viability, which is 24 weeks, some hospitals will intervene just before. 

Some people we are close with do know about the pregnancy, like best friends and some close family members. Those that are in our lives daily, whilst others will find out at different milestones. We plan that majority people will not know until 24 weeks and we have a baby shower, past 30 weeks or when the baby is actually born haha. 

Due to covid in a sense we can keep the pregnancy hidden because we are all in lockdown, therefore we can't see anyone. Thus as my bump grows know one will see it, we can hide it on facetime. But then now covid has risen again and we are in lockdown it makes me more vunerable to the virus as my immune system is weaker, there is no real evidence if it effects the baby or pregnancy if I was to get the virus. But as precaution we are staying indoors and safe to protect us all. 

The lockdown restrictions also mean Ben can not come to appointments or scans. He is currently only allowed to the 20 weeks one and if we book private ones. I did go for an early Scan, first time seeing our baby and he could not be there, which was horrible.

If you have read my last post your see I had very early signs that I was pregnant, I just had this feeling deep down that I was. We took a test at 8 days and there was a very faint line, but could have been to early. We then did another two days later and it was negative. I got dishearten and felt like I had made all the symptoms up in my head that I had driven myself mad. It was upsetting, the dizziness and nauseous I felt had stopped too so thought we were not pregnant. 

Until the next day I just got the same werid tingling in my tummy and this feeling I was pregnant again. I had been have dreams too. I was so emotional that morning, our friend came over for early Xmas celebration on the 23rd with the kids, this was allowed due to being our support bubble. I could not eat anything or even drink, I had one slip of prosecco to celebrate and felt wrong to drink it. 

I took another test and there it was straight away two lines. Still faint but it was there!  

I did not believe it and had to call my friend up to check before I said anything to Ben. She saw it too, and it was darker. So we decided to surprise Ben. 

She went down and told Ben I was just upset a about not being pregnant and needed some time. That I need ariyah to cuddle, so she sent ariyah up to me. I got a baby sleep suit which was Ariyah-mai's first baby one and the test. I got ariyah to go and give it to him while, we filmed it. He was so happy we hugged and cried. 

It really was all to good to be true, our Christmas miracle. I took a digital one the next day, to be able to see the word 'pregnant' made it more real. I was so happy, but also it was also scary

Over the next few weeks, I was getting lots of cramps, pains in my right side, and bits of brown discharge. So I went to a&e, where I was sent to the early pregnancy unit to be checked over. They did my bloods and a scan. 

The bloods showed my HCG levels had more then double from when the GP had taken them two days prior to confirm the pregnancy. They were actually really good levels. However due to being to early they could not see anything on the scan. There was a tiny sac but nothing in it. I knew I was early, about 5 weeks, So they rebooked bloods and a scan. 

The bloods again went up after two days, two more days after that they more then doubled again and were at 10, 852 which for 5/6 weeks was really good. 

I had a re scan at the hospital this time I saw baby, they are a tiny little white dot at the moment but was able to see the flicker of a heartbeat. Everything was all in place and looked great. The scan did show that I had a collapsed cyst on my right ovary which could explain the pain and spotting. As I had swabs done to and they we all clear of injection. I took a week of antibiotics just as precautions. We think that my cyst popping caused the pain and discharge which had no effect to the pregnancy at all which is even better news. 

So now I just have to wait for our booking appointment in February and 12 weeks scan. So far everything is how it should be. 

I am starting to get more nauseous and tired, I have not been sick yet, I'm sure it won't be long before sickness truly starts. It is like motion sickness where I am on a boat in the storm constantly.  I am still get cramps and pully pains, while I am mainly just tired all the time. Ben is being amazing and giving me lots of rest. 

6 week scan. 11/1/21

This is also our Pot of Gold. (name for a baby that born after a rainbow baby) there a different names for baby's born when a baby was lost.

Baby meanings 

Sunshine- is baby born before a loss

Angel- is a baby that's sadly dies (pregnancy, birth or young child)

Rainbow - is a baby born after a child loss

Pot of gold - is a baby born after a rainbow.

(written at 7 weeks) 

Early signs

 Pregancy symptoms.

There are many different signs of pregnancy both early ones or later however they vary and everyone if different. Some people may experience them very early and get most of them where as others might not get any or experience some later on.

Normally symptoms start to show ones implantation has occurred which is between 8-12 days post ovulation. Implantation is where a feritilisted egg embeds and sticks to the inside of the womb to then develop into a baby. Reference at the end for more insight.

Some people get cramps feelings when the egg implants or can get implantation bleeding. This is very light pink spotting, it could be slightly more then spotting and redder or brown but never enough to be menstruation or for as long. Normally just one day but can last up to three days. Ones implantation has happened HCG hormones rise, which is how test work to confirm a pregnancy. It should be high enough to get a positive about 2-3 days after implantation. 

Any feeling before this are down to hormone changes and fluctuations in progresrone rising in order to conceive. Therefore around 10-12 days is the average a test will give an accurate and clear positive test. It can show up faintly before this on first response tests but also a negative could be too early and actually be positive. Therefore it is important to keep testing especially is you missed a period and getting symptoms. If tests are still negative seek GPS advise. 

Some early signs off pregnancy. (remember it is okay if you get all, some or none of these, only you know your body) 

• Mild cramps or twinges 
• Nauseous
• Vomiting
• Dizziness
• Fatigue (tiredness) 
• Food adversion or cravings
• Hot flushes 
• Mood swings
• Heightened smell. 
• Sore breast/chest
• Bloating
• Frequent urination
• Raised body temperature 
• Implantation cramps or bleeding
• Missed period. 

As I said these may vary and not everyone get them all or any, you may even get different symptoms to this. As I said above some off these early one can be hormones changing at first which could result into implantation and pregnancy but sometimes could not so it is best not to symptoms check. However this is definitely hard to do especially when it is planned and your waiting to take a test. When you track ovulation done an insemination and now just waiting, your mind can play tricks. It can be hard to not get your hopes up or disheartened if you do or do not get symptoms. However only the individual knows their body best and what is normal or different in their cycles. 

How I felt 

So I tried not to look into it to much told myself il wait to test until after Christmas or earliest on the 23rd which was 11 days post ovulation. It was our first donation so we knew it might not take. I am quiet intuned to my body, as a dancer I know what feeling are right or different. I had been tracking my feeling and stuff during normal cycles on an app so I could notice any changes. 

Well just one day after our donation I felt weird. I had this motion sickness feeling, like when your on a roller coaster and your stomach does that weird feeling. I was dizzy and had cramping pains. I put it down to still ovulating and just having a donation. However it contained as the days went by, in fact it got worse. I had real dizzy moments and hot flushes. I felt sick constantly and had some stomach twinges. I lost my appetite, I knew this was probably all my hormone changes and my body trying to figure out what was happening.  Meanwhile I just had this inner deep feeling I was pregnant. 

As the two weeks wait continued, I started to need the toilet more, was hot and cold a lot. The sickness and dizziness was still there. Whilst I was so early like 4 days after out last donation to. I did not want to get hopes up as implantation would not have occurred. Rarely it can happen after 5-6 days but average after 8. 

On day 8 I had really bad period cramps and pains on my right. I started getting emotional and stressed like I do a week before my period so assumed it was that. Although I never have cramps until after I started bleeding, thus that was different. I also still had the werid feeling in my lower abdominals like this fullness. I can not explain it. I did take a test and it was negative. 

There was one thing that did made me question and take that test early, so Ben had BBQ beef noddle which he has had before in front of me. I do not like them but can stand them normally. Well this time the smell made me want to be sick I had to leave the kitchen. I could still smell it hours later. Even upstairs at bed. The next day Ben cooked beef and rice for dinner. I was enjoying it but with every mouthful I felt sick. I very rarely vomited, but that night I did. But wanted my dinner which made me cry. Which again is not like me at all. 

But still early at 9 days now, everything stopped and I felt fine today, got another negative test so I think it was hormones making be get my hopes up. We just have to wait longer to see. But generally thought I was not pregnant and my shark week was due. 

Ref: 

https://www.whattoexpect.com/getting-pregnant/ovulation/implantation/ 

https://www.whattoexpect.com/pregnancy/pregnancy-health/early-symptoms-of-pregnancy.aspx

First donation

Our first donation for me.

We had of course done donation before so it was not completely new. As we did three rounds of donations with Ben. We were using the same donation so that also made it easier. Difference was this time it was me we were insemination and we were in a new house. On top of that we have a toddler now to plan around.

So firstly my menstruation (period/shark week) was later then expected which threw my ovulation back a week. This makes planning hard. Now that we have moved and the donor is in London. We had to have a bit of a plan but also be flexible if needed.

Covid 19 is still very rife, we just come out another national lockdown into a tier system. Where kent is in the strictest tier 3 making it again hard because we are not meant to mix households or see people from other areas. London is tier 2 so not as bad. Meaning the donor was risking travelling on public transport to mix households. But it was for an important necessary reason which is allowed under the government rules. It just makes it harder again. Having these odds staked against us, did not help my stress and anxiety. 

The week I ovulated we had so much other stuff happening. Which we had to plan around lots of thing changed got thrown in the air and at times it was all to much for me to deal with. The change, lack of plans, order and loss of that control. I really struggled. But we managed it and had two successful days of donations. 

Firstly on Tuesday when I got a flashy smiley face on Monday (earlier then I thought) therefore days changed but it worked out better. Our friend had Ariyah for the whole day which took the pressure off so me and Ben. We could completely relax have the day and enjoy it. We had two donations three hours apart. 

Then we planed for two days later but Thursday come around I was still get flashy face on clear blue ovulation test. These normally only show three flashy and a soild but this was the fourth day of flashing. Therefore we pushed the donation back a day, changing plans again. Friday morning our donor messaged saying he could not get work off and was rushed off his feet doing work all night so he could not donate that day. Luckily we still got another day of flashy face and no peak. 

Saturday morning I finally got a peak soild face on the test and the donor arrange to come that day. However we had no child care for Ariyah. Our two friends we had on standby were busy last minute. Thankfully we have so many people willing to support us. A friend down the road came to take ariyah for a walk to see Christmas lights in the morning for our first donation. Then the next one we timed it for her long afternoon nap. This meant the last donation had to be quick as she was stirring and woke up but we managed to still have a successful day of donations. 

Why we did two in one day? 

We choose to have two donations in one day. There are many myth around when and how many times to have donations. Many people are lead to believe that a male has to save his sperm up. However new research shows this is not true. That just three hours after first ejaculation the sperm regenerates and is fresher, stronger swimmer, with more protein to be able to fertiliser an egg. But the longer they stay there, the more weaker and risk to be exposed to genetic factors which can be the cause of genetic risk to a baby when they are conceive. Meaning donating twice within the three hour window enhances the chance of fertilisation and the pregnancy sticking too.

Fertile couples are encouraged to have sex every other day within the whole cycle then more leading up to ovulation to better the chances. Then twice a day,  on the two days before and day off ovulation. However when using a donor for us this is not possible therefore twice in one day, for two days  in fertility window, is our best chances. Three days if we could of. As sperm stays alive in the fallopian tubes for up to 5-7 days. 

Fingers crossed as now we had our donations we are just have to wait for two plus weeks before we can take a pregnancy tests. This is the hardest part, but only time will tell. 

Psoc and hornones

 Pcos diagnosis (sort of) 

Years ago when I was around 19/20 I was diagnosed with PCOS but had not got an explanation or further tests. I was not sure what it really meant for me or if it would effect me. But at the time I had just come out as Bisexual (pre transition.) so wasn't really sure I wanted to carry children myself. I wanted them just wasn't sure how.

Thus I never really presued the pcos further. From what I did know about it I had no symptoms other then cysts on my ovaries, which is how I was diagnosed. I got diagnosed when I was having problems with my back after a dance injury at university. Which caused pain in my front groin area, due to the sciatic nerve. Therefore when I got pains or aches I did not think much of it. Until my physio felt and said it felt like my ovaries not muscular inflammation. So she request an ultrasound scan. I had been on birth control pills and not had any cycles for over 2 years. I did start my period late too at 17 years old and never really had regular ones before starting the pill.

The scan showed cysts and a doctor told me I had PCOS and to go back on birth control which again stop any cycles. I then had the coil fitted, after I transition because it was progresrone only. This is because I was male I did not want extra female hormones in my body. Meanwhile I did not want the dyphoria of menstruation every month.  I then shortly started testosterone so I had the coil removed. Since then I had few bits of spotting which is normal until the T got fully into my system. 

Due to this I have never had regular cycles at all, I had this understanding I had PCOS whilst I knew it could effect my fertility I didn't understand how and as I said at the time I didn't really want to get pregnant. But I also knew people with PCOS, who had gone on to have babies whether it was naturally or with medication to help. So I knew it was possible. 

Since I had no other symptoms I still do not know if I have it, even with another diagnosis again by a gp with another test that found a few cysts on my right ovary. My left is fine and all my bloods are great. Which means I might just have cyst that do nothing. This can be common with people who have been on birth control for a long time or from a young age, plus being on testosterone. 

Definition of pcos:

It is a very common condition which effects many people with ovaries and  reproductive organs. There are three main features:

1. Irregular cycles, meaning ovulation doesn't occur regularly or at all. 
2. Higher testosterone hormones (for average cis- female)
3. Inflamed ovaries which contain fluid filled follicle sac (not always cysts dispute the name) 

These are the main features which will be diagnosed through ultrasound scans and blood work. There are however different types and PCOS effects many people in very different ways. Therefore it is hard to know how many people have pcos by its suspects its every 1 in 10. However people can also have cysts on there ovaries and it not mean anything or have no effect to fertility at all. 

These are some symptoms that people will pcos many experiences but some may not have any at all. Usual displays around early 20's.

Symptoms:

• Irregular periods or none at all
• Difficulty getting pregnant as a result of irregular ovulation or failure to ovulate
• Excessive hair growth - usually on face, chest, back and buttocks. (Cis or pre HRT if trans like me) 
• Weight gain
• Thinning hair or hair loss from the head 
• oily skin or acne

The cause of PCOS is unknown, but believe it can run in families. There is no clear treatment however there are thing that can help to evelate symptoms, plus medications that can help those who struggle to get pregnant due to PCOS. 

Many people find lifestyle diet and losing weigh can alone have a huge positive impact for symptoms and there chance to get pregnant however some still struggle with fertility due to irregular cycles where ovulation does occur naturally therefore medication such a clomid is used to stimulate the current hormonal imbalances to obtain ovulation. Sometimes this is enough, whilst others many need a combination of medication and/or surgery. Others may also have to seek specialist and have IVF in order to conceive. It is a very unique journey for anyone trying to conceive and difficult in individual ways. But if you are trying keep going, hoping and fighting you can do this. 

(see reference link below for more information) 

My personal PCOS journey

So other then cysts on my scan, my blood work taken have all come back normal so never fully had a yes you do or do not have PCOS, so who knows. A friend who is a midwives is monitoring my hormones and telling me when and what bloods to request from the gp. So far they been really good and match what they should be for good fertility at the right points within my cycle. I seem to have longer cycles around 37 days. The average is 28, but again very personlised to everyone. Doctors suggest anywhere between 21-40 is considered normal. I also do get positive ovulation test (I use clear blue digital ones) every 16 days after my period. Again average is 12-14 but everyone is different. I do not get any other symptoms of PCOS at all. Pre testosterone before transitioning I had no excessive hair growth, no weigh gain, no bad acne. I mean everyone has a bit of acne in puberty. But went away quickly. I do not have thinning hair or hair loss. Along with my blood level being good. I just have cysts. 

I will go on to explain what hormones and what they mean or do at different points. 

Hormones 

There are four main hormones that are important it terms of fertility theses are:

1. Fsh 
2. Oestradiol 
3. Progesterone 
4. Lh

These do different things at different points in your cycle. 

So there are four stages of a reproductive cycle. 

Menstruation (period) 

follicular 

Ovulation (Mid cycle) 

Luteal stage. 

In this order as well. The photo shows the stages and level that your hormones rise and fall during a standard 28 day cycle however every bodies cycles are different and can be shorter or or longer with ovulation happening at different times. But it just gives a rough show of the four different hormones and what they do. 

As you can see they all start low after Menstruation then estrogen rises slightly to fall again mid way through the follicular phase. Before rising just before ovulation and dropping again. Then a small rise and fall, if pregnant it will stay risen after implantation occurs. This is very simpler to progression which is the hormone that is most important in pregnancy, this hormone is what makes the egg ready to be fertilised so rises after ovulation and will drop again, however stay risen if pregnancy happens. 

The LH hormone is what ovulation sticks measure this is the hormone that results in an egg being released. Ones released the egg waits to be feritilisted. LH levels drop and progresrone hormones rise to thicken the lining of the womb which helps a feritilisted egg stick. If pregnancy happens the progresrone stays high, Lh can also stay risen. Estrogen and HCG hormones rise as well. The HCG is what pregnancy test pick up on and what they measure in blood to confirm early pregnancy. 

Hope this information helps other understand PCOS and hormonal levels more and what role they have to play in fertility. 

Referances

https://www.fertilityanswers.com/understanding-how-your-monthly-cycle-relates-to-fertility/

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/polycystic-ovary-syndrome-pcos

(December 2020) 

Begining the jounery again.

 Starting the jounery of Carrying 

Catch up - 

Whether your new to my blogs or been following our journey from the beginning I thought I just back track and give a quick insight to us as a family so far.

Me and Ben are both trans males. Born with female anatomy but identify and are male. We have both had top surgery (breast removed) and been on hormones which is testosterone. 

We have been together almost 5 years now and married for 3. It seems longer how crazy. We met on a trans facebook support group and through mutual friends. When we started talking and met, it was very much love at first sight. I know I didn't believe all that at first eirther, but it happened. We very much feel in love, got together and moved in very quickly, by the time we been together a year we were already engaged and had our first flat with two little kittens. When you know it right you know.

We also knew from the beginning that we wanted children, we were both family orientated so we always talked about how we would have children. Fast forward to September 2017. Ben decided to come off testosterone and beginning the plan to get pregnant read the beginning off our journey on our first blog here:

https://twotransdaddies.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2018-08-23T15:00:00%2B01:00&max-results=50&m=1

Sadly our first baby became an angel and we didn't get to raise him on earth. We know he is up there guiding us. We got to met him and hold him which was very special, these memories we will hold in our hearts forever. But it was the most hardest heartbreaking thing we ever went through. To say goodbye to our son Nico.

After a long time grieving we did try again and was blessed with a rainbow baby, our little miracle. Who is now a 1 years old, independent, full of life, clever and sassy toddler. She was long waited for, after the loss and a difficult pregnancy. Read her story on our other page with this link: 

https://transdadtoourrainbow.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2020-08-16T13:20:00-07:00&max-results=50&start=58&by-date=false&m=1

This time round after Ben carrying and giving us two beautiful babies. I have decided I want to carry and be pregnant. I wanted to have our 3rd baby. I come off hormones in August 2020. Therefore we are now starting the process of tracking cycles, ovulation and conceiving. 

How I have been so far

I came of testosterone hormones in August, at first I did not really notice a difference in myself, however others seemed to. Then I started to realise I was a lot more emotional then I thought I would be. Then come october/November I got a bit crazy, to say the least. I was so emotional, my head was a mess and I just felt I was losing control of myself, of the world around me, work, people, Ariyah and Ben, just everything. I cried all the time, as I got so overwhelmed thus working myself up over small things.

Ben has been amazing during this time as he stayed calm, whilst supporting me. Even if he was anxious too. It was all a lot to deal with, and a very hard time for us as a couple and family. Meanwhile we stayed strong and supported each other, as we have been through so much to let anything break us. 

Tracking ovulation. 

Since stopping testosterone in August, I had my first cycle in October 2020. It was my first one in years but surprisingly was not too bad very light and only three days. After that I started tracking my ovulation with two line strip tests at  first, then as the lines got darker, nearing ovulation I tested with clear blue digital tests. I got no dark lines and the digital one just kept at a circle so I kinda thought that it was still to early and I wouldn't ovulate. However 16 days after menstruation I randomly got a solid smily face, which means peak ovulation result.

These test are meant to show 4 or more days of ovulation, when your not ovulating it is a circle. Then if it picks up high fertility there is a flashing smily face. Once it picks up peak LH surge for ovulation there is a soild (still) smily face. This indicates the day of ovulation. This is when to have a donation as well as days leading up when it's flashing.

Anyways so as well as tracking my ovulation. I had a ultrasound scan and some blood tests. The ultrasound come back that I had cysts on my right ovary which could mean I have Pcos (poly cystic ovary syndrome). Doctor's could not be sure if it was with just the scan so my bloods were taken to see my hormone levels. They showed that testosterone was low and that my estradiol and fsh levels were really good. I have them measured at different stages through my cycle and they were all showing that I should have good fertility. This was amazing and meant we could start trying. 

I will go through pcos and the different hormones and what they do in my next post so watch out for that one. 

November came around when I was meant to be due on. I had lots of cramps, spots, emotional ups and down all the signs I had last month but nothing. It knocked me back thinking my pcos did effect my fertility and that I weren't going to be regular. I thought I miss this month, as we plan to start donations this time round, I was upset. I had not yet got an appointment with our specialist, lucky our friend is a midwive she was checking my blood results and reassuring us. 

More then a week later, cycle day 37 I finally had my shark week (trans male terms for period) this time it was horrendous. Heavy with clots and soo painful. It was still only three days long, but just so heavy. Ones it stopped again we tracked ovulation and planned donation days for when we thought it might be with flexibility as these things change. So it was just tracking a waiting now. Bloods still looked good, I was feeling less emotional all the time. So felt positive.

Keep posted and reading for information around pcos, hormones and how it all effects me. Then watch out for our first donation post in a few weeks. 

(November 2020)