Difference in pregnancies/birth

Ben's pregnancies Vs mine. 

It is crazy how pregnancy effects people so differently, from symptom to moods, and the care from antenatal services. 

Ben's pregnancies and mine could not be more different. I will talk though how and why in this post.

Firstly from the beginning, during the two week wait Ben got no signs that he was pregnant at all with eirther one. With Nico he got a bit snappy at friends then nothing with ariyah. If we had not had to track and use a donor I do not even think we would have know until he missed a period. But as we did we oviously took tests and found out before that point. Where as with me this time I knew straight away. From a couple days after the donation, I just had this feeling. I felt dizzy, motion sickness, I could stand the smell of beef. I vomited, I had cramps and mood swings. So we just knew I was. One thing that was similar, was in our early pregnancies I had dreams, when Ben was pregnant that the test would be positive and the same with myself. Also the cats where a bit more affectionate. 

First trimester 

Next was that dread first trimester, again very different Ben was sick a lot!! I mean a lot he could not even keep water down. Anything he ate he vomited. He never really felt sick it just came out of nowhere. This did last most of the pregnancy with Ariyah. He had to take anti sickness tablets and have patches to be able to keep food and fluids down, because it made him so ill. Other then sickness and a bit of tiredness, plus heart burn towards the end, he got no other symptoms. With Nico he was very ill which we know now was a really bad injections which lead us to lossing him. 

I was the opposite I was dizzy and bloated, I had lots of cramps and pulling pains. I got intergestion, headache every symptoms going haha. But I was not really sick, like vomiting. I felt sick all the time where I did not want to eat and I would dry heave. However was only actually sick on a few occasions. This stopped around 10 weeks came back here and there but has not seemed to stop. 

Second trimester, 

By this point Ben was on bed rest, he been in and out of hospital having cervix measurements, bleeding and scares. He had to have surgery to have a stitch put in this cervix to keep it closed so he did he not loss ariyah like we lost Nico. He didn't have again much cramps, the odd pulls and chest pains, he was tired but slept all the time on bed rest. 

With me, I seem to have hit that energy, productive feeling great stage. I did had bad headach for about a week at 14 weeks in. But that now gone. The other this i do get lots of pulls and stretching. As well as being very out of breath and tired of I do alot. But seems to be feeling much better and can do more. The one main thing that is starting to get bad is my back and hips with my previous injuries I am at risk of getting SPD which I will do a separate post about. But yes sleeping and getting up is painful. So lots of rest hot baths but not sitting to long in the same position is helping for now. 

Third trimester. 

Again couldn't be anymore different, Ben was still on bed rest and slept most of his pregnancy. Were as I was able to do alot more, in the beginning of the third trimester I got lots of energy, was cleaning the house nesting as they say. Could start playing with Ariyah more and we were walking a lot keeping busy. I looked after Ariyah while Ben worked however as it went on the harder and more tired I got. 

One similarity was the sickness, Ben was sick all the way through pretty much, both had a few weeks in second trimester however both our sickness came back in the third. Ben was more actually sick then me, where I constantly felt sick like the beginning of pregnancy, however this time I was actually vomiting now too and had to go one anti sickness like Ben had. We Also both suffered from heart burn and intergestion badly. Apprently this meant baby had lots of dark hair, which was true for Ariyah when she was born. Thus we will see if this little one has lots of hair at birth. 

One big difference other then Ben being on bed rest was that his placenta was at the front. Therefore he did not often feel Ariyahs movements, which lead to us being at the hospital a lot. Then getting put on the monitor, but everything was always fine. 

Where as with my pregnancy I felt the baby move all the time, especially now in the third trimester. I felt big pushes from all directions. I was put on monitors but that was when I was ill and not for his movements but both our heart rate and another time due to tummy tightings very early one. 

This is actually another similarity that both of us had strong Braxton Hicks from end of second trimester into third. Both me and Ben were both at the hospital and kept in over night due to having what looked like contractions, Ben was 28 weeks I was 36 weeks. But I had been getting lots of tightings, hardness and strong Braxton Hicks earlier then this and had to be put on monitors. But as I had no pain always got sent home. 

Oviously Ben had Ariyah at 35 weeks so from after that we can not compare our pregnancies. However with me I got alot of pressure  pushing down into cervix around 35/36 weeks. Braxton Hicks ever very regular, along with cramping, back pain and tightness. Which I believe I was in very early labour from 37ish weeks. 

I also had SPD which is Symphysis pubis dysfunction. (Post a link below for information) This meant it became increasingly hard to move around, sleep or walk much because I was in pain with my hips and back. I couldn't get comfortable at night, so was also tired as I did not sleep much toward the end. If it weren't pain it was dreams or baby kicking me that kept me up.

https://www.healthline.com/health/symphisis-pubis-dysfunction#symptoms

Fetal Movements:

We have very different experiences with fetal Movements. Couldn't be more opposite. This is because Ben had an anterior placenta meaning it was at the front, whilst mine is high and at the back. 

This restricted Ben from feeling any of Ariyah's movements. It acted as a cushion so she push against that instead of him. He only felt light kicks and more so at the side. We were always up the hospital on the monitor because he wouldn't feel her for days. She also like to tuck herself cuddled into the placenta which meant he felt her less as well. He didn't actually feel any definitely fetal Movements til over 24 weeks, whilst I didn't really feel her often and it was not til the third trimester. 

Where as I have felt fetal Movements from as early as 13 weeks. This is uncommon for a first pregnancy but the further I go and more movements I felt it was definitely the baby. Even Ben could feel from the outside at 14/15 weeks it was crazy. Then by 18 weeks I felt movements everyday, I had a pattern to as baby would move at certain times in the day. Normally around 3-4 in the afternoon. It got more often and much stronger. To the point that by 22 weeks I have visible movement from the outside. We manage to capture it on camera to, as baby wiggled and kicked you could see my bump moving, my skin pushed out and waved as baby moved. It was very unsure and surreal to know that was a little human inside me. I've had knees, head other limbs I'm sure dig and poke out. 

Similarities with our movements are that both our rainbow and pit of gold seem to react to music. As soon as we played music ariyah would move around. We had to do this alot in scan because she always sit in difficult position. Now I am noticing this little one is the same as their big sister, dancing inside to the music. Ariyah never stopped dancing even now she loves her music and got a good rhyme.

 Our pot of gold also love the hot bath, whenever I have a bath straight away baby is wiggling and kicking, if bath goes abit cold, movements slow then when I top it up warm again baby begins to wiggle. It is very funny to watch my skin move about when baby moves. Ben however was not allowed baths due to the stitch so not something we could see is ariyah would have been the same. She loves water now so she probably would have enjoyed the bath then too. 

Birth 

The similarities where that we had both oppted for a planned elective Ceasean section. This was due to dyphoria giving birth naturally with being trans as well as other individual reasons. Even tho Ben was going to have a C- section with Nico as he was born prematurely at 16 weeks it meant that Ben did actually give birth naturally to him. Although he was tiny and born sleeping it still was uncomfortable and slightly painful which he knew he definitely didn't want to do with a form term baby. 

Therefore when he was pregnant with Ariyah his reasons were the dyphoria, being trans as well as the trauma of naturally giving birth after losing Nico. He also the. Ended up having the stitch in which meant there was more reason to do the C section to remove the stitch at the same time. Please go read our blog about the cerlarge stitch and why he had this in over on our other blog (https://transdadtoourrainbow.blogspot.com/2020/08/types-of-cervix-stitches.html?m=1&zx=9c52f381f95e715f ) 

When I come to me carrying my reasons for a C-section again was dyphoria, being transgender. The trauma watching Ben give birth, losing Nico then Ben lossing alot of blood and having to be rushed to theatre. I also had other medical reasons. I was so small that their were risks for me giving birth naturally being that my hips could dislocate, especially with my bad hip and back from previous injury. I would likely tear down there mean long recovery. So again I opted for planned C-section 

Both was granted and booked for 39 weeks. Here the difference Ben's then became an emergency when his waters broke with Ariyah at 35 weeks. She was not waiting. However as he already had it planned, and due to the stitch he weren't going to have her naturally. Ben had eaten and was not having strong contractions was we had to wait 6 hours later before he could have her. But this meant there was no real emergency rush and they were able to do the surgery slowly, with no real rush which meant it was safer and all went to plan. He recovered well and Ariyah despite being 5 weeks premmy did really well. 

Mine was booked for 39 weeks exactly which is when I had mine, our little boy held out until It was actually planned unlike Ariyah. So again C-section was done with no rush and slowly which again is safer. All went really well. Baby did get stuck a bit and had to be pulled out. But he was all done too. 

Another difference between Ariyah and Layton despite the same method of birth  was the after care. Because she was premmy and Ben had suspected gestational diabetes they wer monitored more closely. They had observation like blood pressure, temperature, heart rate taken as well as blood tests for sugar levels and infection markers. 

Ariyah had to have her blood sugar take after every couple of feeds to just kept an eye on her blood sugar bit always came back fine. We had to stay in for 72 hours with her. She also had jaundice which meant she had to have regular milk feeds, as well as be double checked by pediatricians, before being discharged. She also was checked for her jaundice levels and weighted by a community midwive coming to the house as well as in a&e at 4 days old. Luckly her jaundice was mild and able to flush it with regular feeds meaning she did not need a light treatment. 

With me and Layton, we stayed in hospital the first night but did not need much observation, they did mine twice and only did Layton's after birth as he was fine. I was just given regular pain medication during the time there. Then the next morning they removed catheter, had to be able to get up and wal then do three wee's before I was able to go home. I was seen by a doctor and Layton by the pediatricians before being discharged. 

Antenatal care

Medical care, appointment, scans and general care during our pregnancy could not of been more opposite. 

Nico we only had one appointment and a scan before we lost him but the care we got after his death, was amazing from the hospital staff and midwives beverment care. 

Ben's care:

Ben was very high risk, which meant he had lots of check ups and scan from very early one. I think from about 5 weeks we had a scan pretty much every week up until 12 weeks maybe missing one or two in between we had 5,7,8,9,10 & 12 weeks. Then from 12- 15 weeks he had his cervix measured every week which meant we also got to see baby. At 16 weeks he had the stitch put in and scan to ensure ariyah was all fine and that the procedure went according to plan. After that he was one hospital bed rest for few weeks then on bed rest at home. He still had appointment and scans very two weeks. We also have private scans for gender and 4D one in-between. He care was provided by a top midwive and two consultant so he was looked after and got things like urine, swabs and scan whenever we were worried. 

As you will know reading previous blogs the more in-depth details of scared and complications we went through with ariyah. And that she was born at 35 weeks from emergency c section. But was fine and health. If not go back a read through our rainbow blog and how she came into the world. 

But yes Ben's care was very high risk, lots of hospital admissions, scans and extra precautions put in place. It was amazing care and they were so understanding about our anxious with lossing Nico and care for us in terms of our transitions amazingly we can't thank them enough for doing all they did to ensure ariyah was here safe. 

My care:

Well as it was my first pregnancy I was seen as normal at 8 weeks. I did have a few trips to epu and had two early scans. But not so often like with Ben. Everything was fine and doing well. I had a few trips to triage due to urine infections and then dizziness/migraines but it was nothing serious.  

Most of my care and appointment were routinely every 4 weeks and at our home.

I had gone up to day unit a few times for urine infects, dizziness and ones for irregular movements. But nothing compared to how often Ben was in or submitted to stay on the ward. 

So far in term of my transition I have had no issue at all. I have one midwive throughout as she was so accepting, she didn't make a huge deal about it, refers to me and Ben both as dad's. Especially as she comes to our home which is our safe space. With Ariyah running around it's nice she can see we are both her dad's just the same with this little one I'm carrying. She uses my correct male pronouns, changed her wording to be more inclusive like young pregnant person or people rather then women. I could not ask for better care to just accept us as male, dad's and not have to also make a big deal that it's any different. 

Only time is when I have had to phone the day unit or gone in to be check if something happened, I would get called sweetheart, darling all those words generally associated to females, however ones I explained or they saw male on my notes they did stop and used my correct pronouns or name. I had no real negative interactions. 

Other difference in our general care is that I did not get nowhere near as many scans as Ben did with ariyah. He had one every other or some every week. Where I had 2 early EPU ones 6 &8 weeks then 12,20,22, 28, 34,36. As well as private one at 16 and 31 weeks. 

Ben had scans at 5,7,9/10,12,13,14,15,16,18 (private),24,28,30 (private)32,34 weeks then she was born at 35

But overall we had great care both of us and did not face much discrimination. If we did it was out of not knowing, subconsciously using female pronouns due to it being so socially imbedded but they did change when we explained, apologized and were respectful. That's all we could ask for. With both of us having very good support and care both with professional and our loved ones that we luckly didn't experience much discrimination due to being pregnant men. We are lucky as I know other other trans or non binary birth parents who have had a hard time. 

Dyphoria and mental health 

Me and Ben again we're very lucky to have lots of support as well as each other, meaning that we knew what to expect in terms of body changing coming off hormones as well as then getting pregnant. With how mentally and physically challenging that would be as a trans male carrying a baby. We had support from the trans community with close friends who had gone down similar routine to have babies. As well as family who did support us. But friends were definitely our main support network. Then we had the support medically from a gender specialist who checked our bloods, and also how we felt mentally with the progression within the pregnancy. 

However despite all this support of course it was hard then expected. We knew we get mis-gendered, we knew that our bodies would change and what the side effects of going off testestrone would be. Then the changes and symptoms of pregnancy but I don't think we were prepared for how hard it would be mentally with feeling ourselves. 

Also with having lost Nico die to premature birth at 17 weeks, Ben having to give birth then being very unwell himself. The trauma that loss brings as well as the anxiety when having another pregnancy after that loss was hard. I don't think we realised truly how worried and anxious each other was as we were staying strong for each other too. But it was challenging with Ariyah birth being high risk constantly on edge with Ben carrying again, worried if it would happen again. But also even tho I had not physically had a loss in pregnancy it was still mentally hard when I then carried. 

As Ben had specialist care, lots of check ups and scans it almost made it easier to be reassured that Ariyah was okay. Then her being premmy of course brought back that worry but she was health and here and safe. 

I however did not have as regular or specialist care, we were in a new hospital due to moving out of London, meaning they weren't aware of our history being trans and losing our son. I did explain, which luckly I had an amazing midwive who understood. But because it was my first pregnancy and medical I was no high risk we had standard routine scans and appointment.